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Dating after abuse

Dating after abuse

I get asked this soooo often, and I mean so often! Why is this? Is this the right thing to do? In fact we are all coded to do so I believe if we wish to. But when is it healthy to start dating after abuse? And after the massive wake-up call of narcissistic abuse — clearly there is no way we want to go through that again — yet some of us do I did twice , and many other people I know have done so as well.

So, we really do have to be mindful. We really do need to make sure we do our homework. So … is our homework know thy enemy? As you read on I hope you understand that the homework is really all about ourselves.

Within this article I want to cover off these questions … When is it the right time to date? How do we know when we are ready to date? And … how do we date healthily? This topic is such a big one there are many components , this is the first of a two part series.

All because I can! These characters represent many people in this Community — the Thriver orientation representation and the not yet Thriver orientation side of things.

Okay so here we go … Jane had been narcissistically abused. She realised deeply the reasons why she was narcissistically abused — that she was unconsciously attached to someone who represented her inner childhood unresolved programs, and that she used to hand her power over and cling to someone for approval and love no matter how much they hurt her.

Jane worked on expanding her consciousness — healing through previous blocks in order to express and start connecting to her highest desires and greatest personal truths. Jane started dating when she felt that she finally had something to give to a relationship as a pure source of love and wholeness — rather than needing a partner to complete her.

She knew no point when Life and her soul would just faithfully keep delivering them over and over again until she did heal them.

So, Jane for the last two years and as a continuation process recognised any time layers of these fears came up from her was precisely the time NOT to self-medicate with male company but to self-partner and heal them herself instead. Her goal of a durable lasting soul-mate love, generated from mating her own soul first, was the prize she firmly had her eye on. And this was working for her, because Jane, even by herself was experiencing the bliss and feelings of incredible happiness on her own.

So much so, at times, her heart was overflowing with love and joy. How delicious when she would one day be sharing this in healthy ways with someone! Now on to our next character … Debbie had also been through a lifetime of narcissistic abuse and unconscious relationships starting from childhood, yet her approach to recovery was completely different. Debbie had the belief that if she could just realise all the things that were wrong about the men before, and choose someone different that she would be able to find the right man.

The truth was Debbie was depressed without a man, she was putting off the things in her own life that her soul was nudging her to do — because she was living the urgency of securing a man first. Did attraction mean he must be wrong? Was it better to pick someone that she had no chemical attraction to? Why on earth, she mused, was she NOT attracted to men who turn out to be genuine and decent?

And this was a BIG question, which held some vital answers that would change everything. The real reasons are not logical, they are deeply embedded in our subconscious programming. This is the subconscious interpretation of our childhood: In short … what will feel compatible with you is the person who is a perfect match for your childhood wounds.

Because truly you are meant to do this. The person bringing you the startling evidence of your wounding was never meant to heal it for you … and in fact as an adult no-one is coming to heal it for you — you are your own saviour — and then other people will start reflecting to you the essential relationship that you have up-levelled with yourself.

This I promise you … when you start healing and up-levelling your previous traumas you will lose all attraction to the people who represent them. These people will no longer be an energetic match for you — and the people that will start standing out and shining to you will be the people who are healthy.

Can Someone Make You Happy? And once upon a time I resisted this truth. I struggled with it. The thought of taking myself out to dinner?

Forget it! The thought of enjoying my own company? The thought of travelling alone to experience the wonders of our earth? No WAY! Also my neediness was preventing my necessary hiatus from men to truly heal the one real relationship I needed to get right — the one with myself. Quite simply because I did not want to face the emptiness and the pain of my life being alone. So, naturally, my choices were coming from fear and neediness and certainly not from soul-alignment.

And not all of them narcissists … but one thing was for sure these people rather than being able to turn my life from one dimensional into something more fulfilling and pleasing instead kept delivering the evidence of my inner wounds — over and over again.

So these are the vital questions that we need to ask ourselves: And the real truth is this: How can you allow true intimacy In-To-Me-See with someone else if you have not yet connected with yourself in this way? Healthy Love requires being very real, and accepting others as they are, just as you accept yourself.

And if you are not prepared to face those facts — then you will receive more of the same painful dances with potential mates until you do. And by no means does this have to be lofty … It may be that you donate time on a humanitarian level and this fulfils you enormously.

Maybe you decide to start you own small business — one that expresses your unique contribution to the planet and humankind. The truth is this: This is the epitome of relationship powerlessness, and it is a terrible trap that virtually everyone who has been narcissistically abused fell into in some capacity — the assigning of another human being to be their Source of love, approval, purpose, happiness, security, survival, lifestyle etc. This is the greatest relationship truth: Now … just to clarify … in no shape or form am I suggesting that narcissists if you were healthily self-partnered would be different.

If a person is unconscious and not self-partnered they are NOT capable of genuine love. So many people purport that learning everything there is to know about narcissists will keep you safe in the future as you start meeting people. Because I know these people are firmly in their head and are not doing the work on their inner subconscious programming. Knowledge is NOT power, it is information. Seriously … narcissistic abuse is NOT logical.

If you go onto standard Abuse Forums which share copious amounts of information about narcissists — every imaginable source of information available on the internet — you will see these people are in terrible shape. In fact the more information shared about narcissists the worse off people are. Because these people are NOT healing for one vital reason — every moment they spend in shaming, blaming and learning about narcissists is another precious moment they are denying themselves of their own self-partnering love and healing.

In fact it is ONLY re-traumatising people deeper and deeper than the original job the narcissist did to them. Rather than these people get well and avoid narcissists, what happens is they attract more of their own focus energy flows were attention goes more of their traumas, more of their peptide addictions to abuse and victimisation chemicals, and they certainly have not healed their Inner Identity in order to access another life trajectory that is not abuse-riddled.

These are the people MOST likely to suffer ongoing abuse consequences with present narcissists, and attract more abuse from a variety of sources in the future. Therefore IF you believe that you will get armed with knowing every red-flag about narcissists so that you can be safe in the dating process … I urge you NOT to delude yourself.

So … I hope that Part 1 is already starting to answer your questions, and in Part 2 next week, I want to share with you how to show up in the dating process, and how that is a powerful gauge granting you the feedback as to whether or not you are ready to date. And True Relationships! Click here to join instantly.

Please share insights such as when you knew it was right, how you changed your approach to dating and what did the end result feel like. Visited 41, times, 10 visits today The following two tabs change content below.


Dating after abuse

In the timeless words of writer Sherry Argov, always look out Dating after abuse number one…you. Warning bell. Smith, Ph. Digital abuse is more common among younger adults, but it can happen to anyone who uses technology, such as smartphones or computers, Dating after abuse. Treat your partner with respect and expect that they do the same for you. Dating violence is very common in the United States. How did I not go head first into the next abusive relationship? Dating violence can happen even on the first date.